The Way He Looks At Me
by Ravenus
Summary: Dean isn't sure if Cas really loves him. So the angel has to show him. insecure!Dean, top!Cas. A little angsty with a bit of fluff and lots of smut. Kind of PWP. -I just had to get this out of my dirty mind -Rated M for a reason!


**The Way He Looks At Me**

I've never been jealous. Either a woman wants me or not it was always just as easy and I was fine with it. Maybe because they never really mattered, maybe because I wasn't really attached – not even to Lisa. I never felt jealousy when she met with some male friends or colleagues. But Cas matters. And Cas is important to me, I'm attached to him to no end and though I try not to show this too openly, I guess it is obvious to him and my brother. Being attached to a person makes you vulnerable and I hate it. This angel is my weak spot, he is the only one who soothes me and makes my life worthwhile. I would have given up already if it wasn't for him and if he leaves me someday, my heart will shatter to pieces and I'm not sure if I'm able to go on…

So Cas makes me feel this ugly green snake that curls around my guts whenever he's away from me for more than a day. Or when we're at a bar and I find some woman looking his way, batting her lashes at the man who's mine. He makes me feel the sickness that rises when a woman comes over to offer him a drink and I feel like throwing up when he politely accepts it. Why does he do this?

At the moment I'm witnessing a scene just like described above, Cas sits at the bar and a beautiful girl smiles at him and walks over – making sure her hips are swaying invitingly – to Cas, sitting down next to him and way too close for my taste. I helplessly watch her hand slide onto his shoulder as she whispers something into his ear that makes him blush instantly. His beautiful blue eyes widen ever so slightly, I guess she doesn't even notice but I do because I can read him like an open book and this woman has said something that is inappropriate in his book. He's an angel for fuck's sake, it took him a lot of time to let me kiss him properly, how dare she talking dirty to him? Only I am allowed to do this with him. To him.

She laughs at something he replied and let's her head fall back with it, her long blonde hair falling down over her back like a waterfall of velvety smoothness. I hate her without even talking to her. My – my what? Boyfriend? Lover? I don't even know what we are, we've never labeled it. Perhaps I just feel like Cas belongs to me and he just enjoys what we do until he finds someone better than me. But the way he looks at me… Damn, I'm so in love with him that I don't recognize myself, this has never happened before and it scares the shit out of me.

Right now he obviously has someone who's better than me: the woman is beautiful, sexy, stunning even and most of all she's not a broken hunter without a normal life. Cas would be so much better off with her, I'm nothing compared to her, I'm filthy, loud-mouthed and have nothing to offer, just a brother and a bunker I call home. Of course my angel smiles at the girl, it's shy and unsure but – fuck! – this is exactly what makes him so adorable and unbelievably sexy. I could understand if he ran from me to live a better life. I don't even deserve to look at his flawless skin and gorgeous body. He's pale and lean whereas I'm scarred all over, tanned, dark even against his flesh. I hate the differences between us, I hate that I'm no match for him but I cannot change this within the blink of an eye.

The two talk a little bit while I still stand by the bar watching them and when she gets up to walk away, the slips a note into his hand. Her number of course, she hopes that he calls her later for a date in a more private place. Involuntarily I feel tears sting at the back of my eyes when I quickly think the scenario over: he will meet her tomorrow, maybe at her house, they will talk for a little while until she cannot stand it any longer and has to kiss his sinfully lush lips and he will notice that a soft woman is better than me, that her hands aren't calloused and ugly, her body smells sweeter than mine and they will sleep together. Cas will realize that he likes her better than me, that I'm not good enough and he will leave me. I cannot help to feel panic while I think this over within the blink of an eye, I fear the day he leaves me more than hell. It will be hell to me.

On the other hand will it be my own fault. I try to act cool and tough, I'm a hunter and Dean Winchester. I sleep with Cas and hold him when no one looks but I've never really told him how I feel. I don't even know what he feels… I just see the way he looks at me when he has me trapped underneath him, his eyes gazing at mine so damn intense. I'm not sure what this look means because no one has ever looked at me like that. All I know is that it makes me nervous for some reason and warm and fuzzy. Holy hell, I've never been so damn confused in my entire life. I'm in love but I'm not sure if my feelings are returned. That is why I have always avoided feelings: they can destroy you within seconds.

With three deep breaths I try to regain my senses and grab the beer the barkeeper set onto the bar for me. My knees are like jelly, I realize when I walk over to our table where Cas sits and turns the little piece of paper over and over in his hands as if considering to call her immediately. My heart races and jealousy floods my veins like fire, I wanna rip this little thing out of his hands and shred it to pieces. I wanna grab him and yell into his face that he's mine but I don't dare. What if he just wants some fun? He has seen me often enough with some random girls, maybe he thinks that it is okay for me to sleep with him just like that because it was okay with those girls.

I sit down and down a huge amount of my beer before I look at him, hoping that I don't look shocked or confused or jealous at all. "What's that?" I ask nonchalantly, pointing at the thing between his fingers. I know perfectly well but he shall not think that I've watched him and this stupid girl! My angel's blue eyes raise towards mine and I feel another pang of something in my chest. Insecurity most likely.

"A woman came over and gave it to me. It's her phone number." His cheeks get a little bit red when he goes on and it's too cute to watch him like this. "She suggested that I call her to come to her place and… well." I can very well guess what she suggested, I've heard it a thousand times, whispered into my ear while she was all over me, her voice seductive and promising – the thought that I've done this so often now disgusts me slightly... But it is nothing compared to Cas' voice when he tells me to lay down on his bed and not speak. I shiver when I think about our last time together. It was mind-blowing in every sense of the word, my angel shatters my world each time he moans my name and shivers under my fingertips. God, I cannot live without this, I want him, I NEED him.

"Will you call her?" My mouths asks him and I wanna slap myself. Even if he does I don't wanna know about it, yet, I can't handle it. But Dean Winchester stays cool. On the outside at least, inside I'm screaming and swearing. Cas' eyes shoot up at me again, he seems confused by my question and tilts his head to the side in a way that is simply just Cas. 'I love you, Cas. God, I love you so, don't leave me!' I should voice my thoughts but my mouth and tongue just don't do it and so I stay silent, watching him while he thinks over his answer to me. Why can't I tell him what's on my mind? It should be easy with the one you love. Well, it would be easy if I knew if he loves me as well. I don't know anything anymore, I'm lost.

"I don't know…" Cas answers with a lot of hesitation. His eyes narrow and he seems to search for something on my face. I'm not sure if he found it but when he goes on, he seems a bit more sure of what he says. "She isn't my type." He says then and tosses the little piece of paper over his shoulder carelessly. A sigh of relief falls from my lips and I can't help but smile as Cas leans towards me over the table and gives me a deep stare from under his long lashes. He drives me crazy and I swear he enjoys it that he just has to pulls the right strings to get to me.

"Do you really want me to meet with this woman?" He asks, his deep voice dark and with a hint of possessiveness. "Do you really want me to sleep with her?"

"I – I…" Fuck, now I'm stammering. "Cas, can we just leave and drive home?" I can't talk to him right under the eyes of other people, this is private and as the music is loud I have to talk louder as well and it doesn't feel good to me. We both get up from our chairs but before we can leave the bar, Cas' arm grabs my hips and he pulls me into a short but deep kiss right under the eyes of all the other guests. His tongue feels great against mine and I can't hold back the moan that rises in my throat and into his lips. When he looks up again, he smiles wickedly, never letting me go, pressing me to his side while we walk out into the cold and towards my car. I like that Cas clings to me and holds me firmly against his warm side, it soothes me and it will make the things I have to say easier. And everyone can see us while we walk out. This is a good thing that Cas does this right under the eyes of strangers and this beautiful woman, right?

My Baby is parked at the far end of the parking lot where no other car parks and where it is dark. I'm afraid someone might hurt her when the cars park too closely together…The lamp there isn't working and darkness surrounds us when we reach the Impala. Cas' arm holds me even when we reach my car and he pulls me closer to him, his hands sneaking under my jacket and shirt to rest on my hips when he faces me. They are hot on my skin and it surprises me that he seeks such close contact right now.

"What are you afraid of, Dean?" He gently whispers while his thumbs draw slow circles on my hips. I love it when he touches me there, I melt and I guess he knows and now uses it against me shamelessly.

"Nothing, Cas. I just wanna go home." I answer, trying to change the subject but he doesn't let go of me, angelic strength holding me firmly in place pulling my lower body even closer to his own until we touch.

"You're lying, Dean." He kisses my neck with open lips. "It bothers you that the woman gave me her number." Damn, why can he read me so well? I squirm and try to get away from him but he gently holds me in place, manhandles me a few steps backwards until my back hits the side of the Impala.

"I just…" I sigh when his hands slide up to rest on my stomach. "You would be better off with a woman like her." There, I said it! My angel just stares at me, he looks kind of hurt but there's more to it.

"What? Dean…"

"I'm just a hunter, Cas, I have nothing to offer, I have nothing to give to you and you deserve so much more. I wanna know that you are happy and that you have a great life. I'm just a broken man with a broken brother and a shabby bunker. That's not enough Cas, you need more, you deserve more…" Before I can go on with my confession his lips brush over mine ever so lightly to shut me up and I shut my mouth obediently.

"And you want me to leave you just because you think like this?" Cas asks and sounds something between amused and hurt. I never wanna hurt him, he's precious, he needs to be handled with care. But I don't think I'm able to treat him even half as well as he deserves.

"It would be better for you… I know that I'm no match for you." A bitter laugh escapes me. "You're an angel for fuck's sake. How can I ever be good enough for you?" Understanding lightens up his beautiful features and I wanna weep because he looks so stunningly handsome in this very second. His wandering hands come up from under my shirt and up to my face, he grabs my cheeks so gently, his thumbs brushing the stubble around my mouth.

"You are aware that I love you, right?" He asks softly and I close my eyes. If I wasn't leaning against the car I would collapse to the cold ground because my knees are giving in when I hear his words. He loves me. My angel loves me. "Oh, Dean…" Cas says and kisses my closed eyelids with his lips, trailing down over my nose to the side of my mouth while tears well from beneath my closed lids. I know he heard the chocked sob that escaped me when he said it. This can't be. I'm unworthy. "Why don't you believe me?" So Cas knows…

"Cas…." Is all I manage to say and I open my eyes to look into his ocean blue orbs and drown in them. It feels like my insides are about to explode, I have never felt so relieved and scared at the same time. With a sigh I wrap my arms around his neck to hold on for dear life before I bury my face in his neck, mumbling under my breath:"I love you, Cas. Don't ever leave me, please, please stay." He holds me safely against his firm body, pressing me into his warmth, soothing my worn heart. When he kisses my temple and forehead I can feel the smile that graces his full, pink lips, Cas knows that I'm a fool, that I'm weird but nevertheless he cares. Fuckin' hell, he loves me… And he makes me fall apart with his words and with his hands that draw a senseless pattern on my back. "Say it again, Cas, please." Under normal circumstances I would hate that I'm begging and that my voice sounds so lost and hurt but as it is Cas I'm talking to, I don't really care. Not too much.

With a beautiful, faint smile on his lips he grabs my chin and gently lifts my face up to lock his blue gaze with mine. I know I'm trembling like a leaf when he looks at me like that but I can't help it. Okay, so I'm vulnerable, so he is my weak spot, so he knows everything about me and how I feel but it is a strangely welcome feeling.

"I love you, Dean Winchester." He says calmly, even. "So much." I shiver at his words, knowing that he feels it but he just presses his lips against mine and kisses me. It's gentle at first, he tries to calm me down with his lips against mine but the more he tastes of me, the deeper the kiss gets until we cling to each other, desperately trying to get closer to the other. He devours me thoroughly until I'm left senseless and breathless and when I look up at him I can see nothing but love in his blue eyes. How could I miss it there before? It has always been there, from the very first day we met.

"Cas." My mind is blank except for this one word. I try to find others, I try to form a sentence but it takes me a while to remember how my brain and mouth work. Only he can do this to me, I've never been so madly in love as I'm now. "I'm such a fool… I – I thought…"

"You thought I would share your bed just like that?" He fulfills my stammered sentence and makes me blush. Now as I think about it, it seems ridiculous but all these insecurities will vanish only slowly. I nod timidly, avoiding eye contact with him.

"Youneversaidyoulovedmebefore." I mumble under my breath, too afraid to really believe what he just told me… His hands cup my face gently as he leans down to whisper into my ear, sending shivers down my spine: "You didn't either" Cas says. He's right. I would never have dared to talk about love first…

"I'm a fool." I answer and I know that it is enough, that he knows what I mean. I'm a fool because I never told him how much I love him, I'm a fool because I doubted his love for me and I'm a fool because I was jealous. Silly Dean, always the same. My angel just nods at my words, his restless hands never stopping to caress my face lovingly.

"You are my fool." He says with a smile. I love it when he smiles, it makes him even more beautiful and I know that he does it just for me. Other people rarely see this expression on his face, this one is mine and just for me. I cause it, I'm the only one allowed to see it. With sudden realization it hits me that Cas is vulnerable towards me just like I'm towards him. This is what trust really means. My angel leans closer to me again, rests his hands on my hips and lets his hot breath run over my ear. He knows that I fall apart completely when he does this to me and now he shamelessly uses it against me but nevertheless I like it. "You are mine, Dean. No woman will ever have me. They all are nothing compared to you." I whimper when he bites down gently but hard enough to let me feel a little bit of sweet pain. "We will drive away from here. I will guide you." I can't suppress the moan that rises in my throat when he licks the shell of my ear, his breath ghosting down my neck. "And you will stop when I tell you. I want to claim what is mine."

"Cas…" His name escapes my lips before I can stop it but the moment I have completed the word, he steps back, his promise still lingering between us, my legs still shaking. The beautiful man steps around the car and makes himself comfortable in the passenger's seat while I still stand here and try to regain my senses. He's mine. Just mine and he told me he loved me. He still wants me and he doesn't even think about dating a woman. God, this is more than I ever hoped for. I never thought that someone could love me so unconditionally, I never thought that this was even possible. As if in trance I open the door to my car and get in behind the wheel starting it and pulling away from the bar.

Through the fog and thoughts in my mind I hear Cas' deep voice giving me directions, it seems as if he knows where we are going and I blindly follow his instructions, unable to think about anything but that he loves me back. I work on autopilot until my angel tells me to stop. I slow the Impala and once the engine is killed it is utterly still in the car. A look through the windshield tells me that I have parked my car by a lake in the woods, Cas has guided me here while I was kind of blind for the way. It is beautiful, the moon makes the water appear silver and it looks inviting, peaceful and calm.

"Come." Cas whispers into the stillness and gets out of the car in swift movements, coming over to my side to open my door when I'm not fast enough to follow him. "What are you waiting for?" My mind switches back to the here and now.

"Nothing." I mumble and get out into the cold where Cas grabs me to pull me into a deep kiss with his hands wandering under all my layers of clothing.

"You're trembling, love." He says when our lips part. I want to have them back on mine, I want everything he plans to do to me tonight. I guess he can feel the urgency where he presses our bodies together. A part of me still tries not to melt when he calls me that. He has done it before but I was never sure… How could I ever doubt him?

"It's cold." I answer but my angel chuckles, a wonderful sound.

"You're a bad liar, Dean." He whispers, while one of his hands glides through my hair. I sigh deeply, I'm content right now and calm, something I haven't been in a very long time. And I ache to have Cas closer to me, my body yearns for him but apparently he plans to go slow, maybe tease me and who am I to deny him his wishes?

Slowly Cas pushes me back against the hood of my Impala, the back of my knees hitting cold metal. It would be colder when I wouldn't wear my jeans and my angel looks up into my eyes with a soft smile. My heart flutters in my chest, I guess he doesn't even know how beautiful I think he is. My wonderful, sweet, handsome angel. "I want you naked, Dean." Cas whispers with a gentle kiss just below my ear. A nervous laugh escapes me.

"I'm yours, Cas. Unwrap me." I say with my arms stretched wise in an inviting gesture. With a shake of his head, the other man steps back from me.

"No." His voice is hushed and dark, he has something on his mind, he plans to do _something_ to me and I'm eager to find out what it is. "Strip for me!" And I obey. Partly because he leaves me without any own will and partly because I'm inpatient. Slowly I let my leather jacket glide off my shoulders, letting it fall onto the hood of the Impala, I guess I will lie there with my back sooner or later. Or with my chest pressed down onto the car... God, my member jumps at this thought, I _want _to be completely at his mercy...

My shirt comes next, my shaking fingers open each button slowly, I try to tease but I just don't have the strength to prolong it further. I throw the shirt onto the grass next to me, not caring if it is cold and maybe wet, then I shed my black AC/DC shirt I wore underneath, pulling it over my head, no doubt that my hair now stands in every direction. All the time Cas' hungry blue eyes follow my every movement, raking over the naked skin of my chest. I stop undressing, thinking that I'm done but he doesn't look satisfied.

"Naked, Dean." He growls, a sound from deep within his chest. So I get rid of my jeans and boots as well, my feet not even feeling the cold ground beneath because his stare makes me feel hot all over. Now it wanders down my chest and stomach and lands on my throbbing erection, still trapped within my boxers. Cas doesn't say a word, he just licks his lips and I struggle to get out of the last item of clothing I'm still wearing, standing naked in front of my lover. Now he takes a step towards me and pushes my shoulder, forcing me back even further. "Onto your back!" He murmurs, shoving me again and I obediently do what he wants me to do.

"Cas..." I whisper forlorn when he leans down to caress my whole body with his fingers, letting them glide over my exposed skin. I'm achingly aware that he still wears his trench coat and suit jacket and all, but somehow this makes me even harder. I feel exposed, completely at his mercy, it is thrilling and I'm so hard already that I feel as if I'm about to explode. It won't take long for me, just a few touches to my cock and I will come like a teenager.

"Shhh... Don't speak, Dean." Cas hushes me and I swear I have never heard a sound as erotic as his aroused voice. So I just whimper and moan whenever Cas touches a sensitive spot of my body but his wandering hands never come to the place where I need to feel them the most, he ignores my hard member stoically. It already twitches on my stomach, aching for his attention, for his touch and – God help me – for release.

I'm already panting hard, my chest rises and falls heavily with each breath and I don't think I will stay sane tonight. I will just lose my mind because – well – this is just _Cas_. I love him. I love him so. God, how I love him. So fucking much.

"I told you to shut up." He says and only now I realize that I have said my confessions of love out loud. I feel his breath tickle around my navel, I feel his lips trail a path towards my member. I'm not sure if this is a good idea, I won't last long.

"I will punish you..." He says, his breath now ghosting over the tip of my cock.

"No. Don't, I will – _aah!_" I can't keep myself from screaming when his soft, sweet lips close around my tip, slowly sucking it in deeper into the hot wetness of his mouth, making me see stars within seconds. His tongue – his wicked, rough, talented tongue – swirls around my member and I swear to God that sex never felt as good as with Cas. He just knows which buttons to push, he knows how to make me come undone so fast...

With a sinful wet pop he lets go of my member and I hear a soft moan escape his lips because he likes to watch me. _Me_ of all people. He could do so much better, he could have any person he wants but the angel chose me. I'm so happy to know that he loves me.

With lazy movements Cas undoes his belt buckle and slides his trousers ans underwear down his long legs in one swift go, stepping out of them with a slight smile as he watches my neglected member twitch with interest. I want him so. I _need _him. Inside of me, dominating me, showing me that he loves me. He's hard just like I am and I would love to sink down onto my knees to take him into my mouth, to please him with my lips and tongue but I don't dare because there is this predatory look in his eyes. If I disobey or do something he hasn't told me this will end too soon.

"You will never doubt my love for you again, Dean." He says before he grabs my hips and pulls me closer to him, my legs instantly encircling his hips, pulling him closer to me. It turns me on that he still wears his trench coat, suit jacket and tie while his lower half is naked. I can't hold back the moan when his fingers find my entrance and he slowly enters my body with those long digits to prepare me ever so carefully despite the situation we are currently in. "Shhh... I got you, Dean." He whispers when I pant and moan uncontrollably. Damn, he hasn't even really begun yet!

When his fingers are withdrawn I shiver at the loss, it feels empty. I want him so much right now that I don't even know my name any longer. I don't care because then he enters me, pressing himself as deep into my body as possible and in one swift stroke. Oh God! My world explodes into a sweet mixture of pain but mostly pleasure. I simply loves the way his hips move against mine, I love the way he draws out of me before slowly, teasingly pushing back in. His rhythm is intoxicating, Cas makes me forget everything. But he makes me feel so loved, so precious. This is why I long to sleep with him so often because I was always able to feel his love for me.

"_Cas..._" I moan and without conscious thought my back arches off the hood of my car as his hands wander over my chest and down towards my lower abdomen where he rests his warm hand, knowing that it drives me insane when it lies there while he fucks into me mercilessly.

"Shut up!" He commands, his voice so dominant. Fuck, he knows to pull the right strings, damn bastard! It only makes me moan harder, I'm so damn close to my orgasm that I already see stars behind my eyes. My teeth bite into my lower lip and I think I draw blood while I try to concentrate, my breath coming in short gasps. "You won't come until I tell you to." Cas goes on and I groan. This sentence nearly is enough to push me over the edge but Cas slows down, taking me sweetly, gently until it gets a little better. He does this for a few minutes, slowly pressing himself into me, one hand grabbing my hip, his fingernails digging into my flesh in just the right measure, the other lying just beneath my navel.

Fuck, this is so damn hot. He knows me so well, he has built me back together, he makes me whole, he knows Dean Winchester inside out and uses it against me shamelessly. The next thing I know is that he increases his rhythm, he goes faster and faster still, hitting that sweet spot inside me with every strong thrust. Oh shit, I'm close again, so close, so hard. My neglected member throbs between my legs but he ignores it, he wants me to come off without him touching me and I know that it will work.

"Cas... God, Cas!" I can't keep still despite his order. "I – I can't..."

That is when he stops and draws out of me completely, leaving me shocked, empty, desperate.

"No!" I whisper and look up at his grim face. Does he even know how smokin' hot he looks with his tie crooked, his hair standing in every direction, his pink lips slightly parted and his pupils blown with lust – lust for me! He doesn't say a word and I can tell that he is eager and ready to explode just like me but he doesn't want us to come yet. Silently he manhandles me to stand in front of the car, my back towards him, my hands pressed to the cold hood of my car. I offer my back to him, feeling his length against my rear, I wanna feel him inside of me, my body aches for him and for release.

"Keep your sweet mouth shut!" He commands and I realize that my moans and screams turn him on, make him come soon. But I guess I will be able to obey for a little while. My whole body arches and bucks when he enters me again, this time fucking me in earnest, taking me harder than ever before. "Don't doubt my love for you!" He breathes out, then leans down to bite into my shoulder. This is it. I turn my head towards the sky, silently praying for strength but I can't hold it back any longer.

"Please...Cas, I need – I – I can't..." The pleas turn into ragged gasps as I try to concentrate but I fail and he knows.

"I want to hear you scream when you come." These words are enough to make me scream his name when I come in longs spurts all over the bonnet of my car, my body shaking and shivering as I feel him release himself deep in my body, pulling me up to press my back against his hot chest. "I love you." He breathes into my ear, his voice shaking from his ecstasy. I think his words are the reason why this is the most intense orgasm I ever felt in my life.

"Good boy." Cas purrs into my ear and catches me, because my knees give in from sheer bliss. But my angel is still strong enough to hold me and lay me down on the hood of my car where I try to regain my breath. "You're beautiful when I have you, Dean." He whispers and lies down next to me to take me into his arms.

"Cas..." I want to argue, to tell him that it is not true but his stunning smile silences me.

"Save your breath, love. You will need it, because I'm not even close to being done with you tonight." He mutters before he kisses me, rolling us over so that he lies on top of me, resting between my legs, fitting there perfectly.

"Okay." I smile back up at him and I guess I look like a teenager drunk with love but what do I care. I do love him. More than anything. "But take off the rest of your clothes, I wanna see your body."

His smiles grows larger and he begins to strip for me.

**END**

Hope you like it!

...and I love reviews -winkwink-


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